Let’s Not Picture This

People keep trying to tell us fall is here.  It is September (not officially fall I know), but we are still slogging along in 90 plus degree temps with little to no rain.  We are beginning to go beyond our High Country Desert designation and head right into just plain old Sahara.  BUT, after a blistering 96 to 97 degree weekend, the high on Tuesday is supposed to be 43 degrees with snow.  WTF, Mother Nature?  The low is projected to be around 28 degrees, so we will all be running around like heads with their chickens cut off (I meant it this way, had a teacher that used to always say this, and it stuck) trying to frantically protect tomatoes that are just starting to turn the slightest bit pink, and mums that are barely beginning to bud out.  Sigh.  Weather in Colorado.  It will all be worth it if we get a bunch of rain in the high country to help out all those brave folks fighting our wildfires.

Today we are going to have a lesson on what NOT to hang on your walls.  For the past few weeks the thrift has been awash in bad wall art.  While I think it is great that people are coming to their senses, it still needs to be made fun of.

So let’s start off with a gen-u-ine painting:

Honestly, it was much worse that the photo shows.  For one thing it was huge, and the colors sort of walked up and sucker punched you with a left hook.  We both love hydrangeas, but no, and no.  Surely they failed their art class with this one?

This one was also a painting, and nothing can save it:

No, pasting innocent seashells on it does NOT make it look more authentic.  I don’t think you could even get a sea monster to stay in this painting.  He would take one look at it and go hide in the hydrangeas.  Hey, the colors are the same, so why not?  The only saving grace for this one was its relatively small size.  Much easier to hide behind a door.

Up next, yet another original:

Where did this poor animal’s feet go?  If he were laying down, they would still show.  If he is standing in really tall grass, just how tall could it be when you can still see the flare of the tree trunks and the rocks?  I get it, legs are hard, but for heaven’s sake give this poor elk a break.  He looks mildly confused by it all, too.  Reminds me, because of how hard it is to get into Rocky Mountain National Park, we won’t be able to go up and hear the elk bugle.  If you have never heard that sound, try here.  One of my favorite times ever was camping in the fall in the Park.  Between the elk, the coyotes and the owls, it was a magical evening.  The bear later on in the night wasn’t great, but you take the bad with the good, and he did no harm.

While we are checking out the animals, we want to know what this man is doing to this horse:

I am pretty sure it is NOT consensual, because that equine looks pissed.  That fellow is due for a good swift kick in the shins, and he needs to keep himself to himself.  Rembrandt’s fellow Dutchmen below look confused, too.  Good thing they can’t move, or they would be shaking their heads like we were.

We were trying to give this one a pass:

It was kind of amusing, but Deb took exception to the hat.  Deb here.  Kathy wanted me to explain my concerns and they are simple, like me!  That is one fancy uniform, gold shoulder epaulets, a sword, and medals.  Why is his hat a simple kepi hat?  I want him to wear one of those big old hats they wore in the 19th century, like these:

Or maybe one of those triangular Napoleonic War military hats.  Much more fitting for a dog of his stature!

We know daisies are the official flower of the ’70s:

And some former flower child probably had a hand in this.  For some reason they were just “off”.  This is another one where the photo is not as bad as the original.  Honestly, would someone explain decorative plates to me?  What is wrong with just a flat plaque?  It’s not like anyone EVER uses one of these plates—they just sit in stacks in the cupboards.  I see a few on the wall here and there, which brings me back to why a plate?  Unless you come from a good Greek family and need a never-ending supply to break at festivities, and then, hey, you are in luck, we could keep you supplied just out of one thrift store for millennia.

OK, I have been dreading this one:

Oh my sweet lord, what were they thinking?  Can you imagine the look on the teen’s face when Grandma presented him with this because “I know you like basketball”.  Oh dear, where to start: the lack of perspective, the overly ornate gilded clock, or hey, how about the red velvety background.  Thank goodness it was all under glass to protect it forever.  Let me find a hammer and put that to the test.  We should have just tripped the summer intern, and hoped he dropped it before he returned it to the shelf. Yep, you can blame him for this one.

Do you need to know?

Yep, we are pretty sure you need to know all this stuff.  Or why would you be reading our blog week after week?  Since when does the CIA drop stuff at ARC?  They don’t need this anymore because everyone told anyway?  They noticed that the creature in the picture resembled the alien the world is not supposed to know about? Maybe they just have a much better campaign now that just says not to tell anyone anything EVER.

Wish us luck with the weather; we hope yours is better.  Not wishing a hurricane, a tornado, a drought or a flood on anyone, and we know it could be worse.  We still like to grouse, because if you don’t laugh, you cry, so laugh it is!