Go on. Get drunk. Rumi, the 13th century Persian poet, was a smart guy. I’m sure he never thought that his words, “Go on. Get drunk” would also be the best way to deal with this Thanksgiving post—I’m grateful to pass that advice on to all our friends.
Before unleashing the snark, a happy piece of business. Nilsa, you won the drawing for the book, Vintage Fashion Accessories. Please sent an email to us with your address and we’ll get the book in the mail.
So, let’s start off easy. We have seen a lot worse:
Which has to be the most tepid praise ever to come out of a mouth. We have also seen much, much better is the answer to that wishy-washy phrase. Looking at the picture, I’m not sure where on God’s green Earth that turkeys are smaller than sheaves of wheat. I know it’s just decorative, but this is a holiday that is all about the food, bread products included, so the turkey is trying to be realistic—do better with the wheat! Could you imagine a Thanksgiving meal with no dinner rolls because wheat is so huge that it couldn’t be processed? It would cause a riot in many not-so grateful households.
The expression on this turkey says that he has seen “things”:
Maybe he was looking in a mirror? And does this look hand-painted to you? If you say, yes by a two year-old, I might agree with you, although even scribbling a turkey would probably look cuter. How many people do you need at a dinner to have a quart of gravy? Mr. Google says that a quart would give 8–12 people about a 1/3 to 1/2 cup of gravy each. Don’t forget to set your scale back by 10 pounds before next Thursday!
This is almost embarrassing to talk about:
The optimism of our local thrift to even think that this would sell is combined with the boneheadedness to put it in the Thanksgiving section. It’s a real intersection of wrongness that lead us to say, “WTF???” I hope we can all agree that this is egregious, and needs to be given to the MythBusters for demolition. I don’t think that I could stand to look at those fiveheads one more second. And sorry, the piece of wood and dried leaves don’t offer enough distraction to make this worthwhile.
By the way, I didn’t crop out the rope doll to the right because her dress has some explainin’ to do. I don’t believe that it was an accident that the bust of her dress is decorated with two pumpkins in the correct places. Whatever happened to a subtle joke that you had to be paying attention to see? This is a big ol’ pumpkin pie in the face.
Before we could regain our equilibrium we were confronted with this on an endcap cart:
I’m glad he looks grumpy because he makes me feel grumpy. Although he has some details and is at least human-shaped, he is a big hunk of resin, not ceramic. He, too, needs to be blown to smithereens, with no pieces bigger than a pea remaining. Just looking at him again, I see that the thrift store is pricing things more delusionally than ever—this thing is $12.99. I might pay that much if I could light the fuse to the dynamite that blows him up—that would probably give me way more than $12.99 worth of pleasure! Does that make him a bargain?
I must be looking at this wrong:
Does it look like he’s vomiting spaghetti to you? Coughing up a big hairball or eating hair? I looked at him for a while before I decided it was the worst placement of a beard that I’ve ever seen. I guess he could be a like a daddy seahorse and is carrying his daughter in his mouth. I would rather look at his tiny friend to the right with the orange turkey, thank you very much. Oh yeah, you would have to pay $9.99 plus tax to take this home with you!!
These poor turkeys made us laugh:
First, I need to complain a tiny bit. WordPress has changed their editor AGAIN and while I was never good at it, I could kind of get two pictures side by side with the old one. With the new editor, this is as good as it gets after me fiddling with it for a quarter hour, and B.H., who teaches computer science at a university, trying to fix my problem, and giving up. Thank you WordPress, this is sooooooo much better.
Now, back to the turkey napkin rings. You wouldn’t believe how long it took us to figure out what they were, and at the end we were torn between napkin rings and tiny hats. Each has a piece of elastic attached under them—the price tag is around it. That was our only clue. I have to give props to the crafter for using rickrack. In for a penny, how could it hurt?
All I could think of when I saw this was a toasted marshmallow:
It has to be handmade, don’t you think? The claws are also hilarious—I think he has a hammerclaw on his right foot, but that’s a ridiculous amount of detail to put on an otherwise white blob. We weren’t quite sure what he was, until turning him a bit to the side:
Oh, he’s a candle holder, I think. It’s a pretty big hole, but what the heck, get a really fat candle and go for it. Poor Tom Turkey would only be enhanced with melted wax, and if the candle was white, it might look like marshmallow fluff.
What’s Thanksgiving in the U.S. without football:
He’s all suited up and ready to rumble. Honestly, he looks hand-painted and for the life of me, I can’t think of a team with silver and gold. Speaking as a Coloradoan, he should be silver and black because that whole team is a bunch of turkeys!
I saved the best for last:
Sorry it’s blurry, but he is the cutest little turkey out there. How could you ever eat him? Well, it might be a bit awkward having him on the table looking at all the turkey on your plate. This glass might be happier living with a vegetarian. There was only one, so I left him there, otherwise I might have taken him home so he could supervise our Thanksgiving pizza!
I hope this isn’t too long; the new editor also got rid of my favorite feature—word count. For those of you that stayed to the end thanks for reading! For our U.S. readers, please have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I feel badly that we didn’t wish our Canadian friends a Happy Thanksgiving October 10th. So, I’m including them in my wishes, theirs are very belated.