Crazy and Not-So-Crazy Craft Patterns XII or Put Down the Crochet Hook… Please

Well folks, it has come to this.  We have given up shopping.  Not for the long haul, but we both feel that we have responsibilities to other folks that mandate our giving up our Fridays, for now.  So far, everyone in our sphere is healthy, and we aim to keep it that way.  Never fear, though, we would never abandon our loyal readers in this time of need, and you have to admit we all need a laugh, or two or three, or more.  We plan on keeping posts coming.  We have some craft things this week, at least two posts worth of Easter, and we may add some tutorials or collections posts later on, but there will be at least a post a week as usual.

Let’s start this week off with a dolly crochet book:

I think Doreen has some ’splaining to do.  We are sure that they are easy to make, otherwise any sane person would chuck this booklet into the fire and move on to a better project.  Also, I am very concerned about what the gal in the front just saw. Did she turn around to find the Bobbsey Twins flashing her or what?  I think that they are just little devils and we can be sure that they are up to no good.

Shall we move inside the booklet?

Those top three are NEVER gonna forgive the bride for making them wear those dresses.  They probably had hoop skirts underneath, too.  Sort of sad that the photo wasn’t in color, as I am sure they are some sickly sweet pastel sherbet sort of colors.  I guess that would be better than finding out they were made in avocado green, harvest gold and rust.  Some things may be better left to the imagination.

The outfit on the bottom is called Park Avenue Belle.  I am willing to bet that if Vogue saw Miss Belle on Park Avenue, they would immediately snap a photo and label her a “fashion don’t”.  I must confess that I just recently picked up a doggy just like hers, though.  I can’t resist dolly-size pets.  There was so much fur on mine, I thought he was missing an eye, but when I went to repair him, I found it buried in an inch of rabbit fur.  Guess he really needed a trip to the doggy salon.

This one made us laugh as the top one is called Skater.  We are positive that no one is going to pull off a triple axel in that getup.  For one thing that hat is going to collapse over her eyes the minute she gets going, unless there is enough Final Net on her hair to keep it puffed up forever.  At least she got the sequined skirt right.

One more dolly pic, from the next booklet:

Another confession here.  I had one of those little purse/cradle things as a child, and I did adore it.  It was made out of the bottom of a soap bottle and crochet yarn.  For some reason I think mine was yellow, but memory is a bit hazy.  I am pretty sure I carried around a stuffed animal and not a doll in it, but I did have a blast with it.  On the other hand, those kitten slippers could easily slide over into the stuff of night mares in the hands of a not-so-talented needle woman, so beware.

Honestly, everything up above truly falls into the mostly harmless category, but from here on, it is pretty harrowing.

Take this page, for example:

I take leave to doubt the pretty part.  You’ve got to admit those hearts look like a piles of poo with a crocheted edges.  Ugh.  I am going to give them a passing grade on the baby sweater and bonnet, though frequently these call for some nice wool yarn, so you can make your child completely itchy and uncomfortable. Possibly the pom-pom bunny and chick would end up cute, but I have seen too many limp baskets to have any hopes of those coming out right, and do we have to see the disembodied face surrounded by crochet?

Apparently the answer to that last question is “yes”.

Ack, now they are tissue holders and TP covers.  Never, not once, were these ever cute, or even anything other than something that might appear to you on a bad acid trip.  Although it has been pointed out that dolly TP cover would keep your toilet paper safe from any of the under-30 crowd.  Even their grannies have given these up.  This is the color palette I was worried about for the bridesmaids up above.  Instead I get floating heads in it.

Here are a couple more pages from this booklet.  Do you want to warp your child’s mental health?  Here you go:

How can a kid not have trust issues when they open up packages to find these?  For heaven’s sake, give cash. As an aside, I will also give a pass to the finger puppet, but that bank is straight out of a horror movie.

And you know a craft pamphlet post would not be complete without a clown.  Sorry for the lack of warning, but you should have expected it:

As a plus, just blow up this photo and you have the complete instructions for Foo Foo Clowns.  Or better yet, really just blow this up.  Dynamite will do.  How desperate were they for a clever name, or did the guys in the advertising department get drafted to come up with the headlines?  On top of that, if you ask me, these are not really that foofoo, are they? I suppose that is a good thing, because if these were decked out in lace and flowers it would be even worse, and who knew that was possible?  [Deb here:  B.H. and I were calling these clowns Poo Poo, which seems more descriptive!]

As a break for your eyes, I give you one last thing:

These are actually sort of sweet, and if you must make something, why not this instead.

I just looked and we have 583 posts here on the blog, so if you find that you need a longer break, why not go back and read some of the old ones?  We even tend to forget what we have written about, so who knows what fun there is to be had?  If you find a really funny one, send a link to a friend who needs a smile, share your toilet paper (just not covered in scary faces), and let’s take care of each other.

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2 Responses to Crazy and Not-So-Crazy Craft Patterns XII or Put Down the Crochet Hook… Please

  1. Sandi Magle says:

    I used the one with the Potholders on it….honestly made with Aunt Lydia’s Rug yarn, they made the best potholders..and everyone got them for Christmas, circa 1970-2. We were newlyweds and I had to make all our gifts! The rest is pretty scary…lol.

    • kathy & deb says:

      I’m sure that the ones you made were attractive–I actually like the pattern! Thank goodness you didn’t make a potholder with that plastic face in the middle; don’t laugh, we’ve seen them!

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