Crazy and Not-So-Crazy Craft Patterns IX

My goodness, when I was trying to figure out the title, it struck me that we were getting into Super Bowl looking numbers.  If you like bad crafts, and haven’t read the eight (!) crazy craft posts, well, your weekend is already planned for you!  😉  You can search by category on the front page of the blog, and craft posts are: Book Reviews, True Confessions, AND Weird Collections.  We have a lot of interconnected strangeness in our lives.

Boy oh boy do we have an amazing craft booklet for you today.  We’re amazed that anyone would ever think up these patterns, make them, take pictures of them, and be able to sell them!  Kathy found this at our favorite craft store, Who Gives a Scrap?, and the donor must have snuck this in with a bunch of reasonable-looking craft pamphlets.  The only silver lining that I can find, is that this horror show originated in the U.S. and Canada.  Whew!  Sorry, Canadians, you are going down with us as being responsible for the worst craft pamphlet ever.

The front cover is fairly benign:

Knit Wit cover

I have to admit that I don’t have any “Sculptured Fantasies”, but hey, it was 1962 and things were different then.  Some of these little minis are pretty cute, and turn out to be the most consistently good patterns in the whole book.  I wish they had included directions for the trees; they are a hoot.

This is a cover for a bottle of alcohol sitting on your bar:

Singing Waiter Bottle cover

Bottle covers are a common occurrence in this book, and there’s probably a good reason for that.  While he isn’t the worst, he certainly isn’t something I would want to look at on a daily basis.  The only positive in having a whole collection of these bottle covers, is that there are several corresponding bottles of booze to help you deal with the pain.

I apologize for this next picture.  It’s pretty horrible, but you need to see what we were dealing with, here:

WTF!!??  This was always awful and disturbing.  Whoever made this pattern was a real Knit-Wit!

I’m pretty sure we’re dealing with sadists:

Pink Elephant bottle cover

Why would you want to make a poor alcoholic think they’re seeing pink elephants every time they virtuously walk by the liquor cabinet without taking a nip?  I’m even ignoring the elephant in the room because the poor dear is terrifyingly bug-eyed.  I don’t think alcohol is responsible for that condition.  Can you imagine this as a toilet paper roll cover on the back of the john?  I might never poop again with those eyes boring into my back.

As bad as the other bottle covers are, this one holds its own:

Cat Bottle Cover

I do have to give the booklet maker props for the elaborate backgrounds and accessories used for the photos.  This cat bothered Kathy the most, I think, because she loves cats and look what they did to one!  It almost is camel-like with that extra-long neck and eyelashes.  Come to think of it, that snout is pretty camelly too, and not so much cattish.  Have they ever seen a cat before?

It’s a relief to see Santa:

Santa Bottle Cover

This bottle cover is almost normal—Santa looks like someone has given him a pinch on the rear, or something.  B.H. has several problems with Santa.  He is worried about the crease in the trim of his hat.  Has someone gone after Santa with an axe?  Also, how many feet does Santa have?  Finally, that chimney looks like it was made by someone tippling from numerous uncovered bottles of alcohol.  But, people do give bottles of booze for Christmas gifts, and you wouldn’t be too horrified with this Santy Claus if he came with liquid cheer.  I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t keep this as a treasured gift; but it would make an excellent white elephant gift next year.  So, win-win!

Looks like they didn’t completely ignore the kiddies:

Mermaid and Clown

Although giving either of these as a gift to an innocent child probably qualifies as child abuse.  Make sure that if this came from Grammy, then she sets up a fund for future counseling to help little Susie deal with her issues.  I don’t know how anyone can look at either one of these “toys” and think, “Susie will love this—I must make it!”  If I had gotten these as a kid, I would have shot them out of my tennis ball cannon.  We had a humdinger when we were kids.  You put lighter fluid in it, swung it around, put the tennis ball in it, and then touched a match to the back hole.  We could shoot tennis balls through chain link fences; Mr. Clown wouldn’t stand a chance.  It’s a miracle that we didn’t hurt each other with our cannon, but we didn’t.  We also survived Jarts, a mini-bike, stilts, and a snowmobile.

This picture shows how weird that cat is:

The poor model was probably supposed to cuddle with the cat that kind of matches her sweater.  She can’t bring herself to hold it next to her; she even has a hand between her and the cat.  Plus, her expression says it all—I’m not taking my eye off that thing!  We do like the sweater, but it’s not helped by everything else going on in the photo.

We do NOT like this outfit:

What on earth is this?  I’m sorry, but calling it “Rogue” isn’t helping.  Is it a Halloween costume?  Something you throw on before cat burglarizing, à la To Catch a Thief?  If you got caught breaking and entering in this getup, the police would skip the jail and head right to the mental hospital.  I can’t help but laugh at the pose; it makes me think of the phrase, “I’m huge” for some reason.

I would not turn my back on the woman in the upper left-hand corner of the picture:

Her expression spells D-E-A-T-H to whoever made her wear this hat.  And really, who can blame her.  I don’t think that I could wear yarn daisies on my head with a straight face.  The picture on the bottom left looks like the picture submitted with a claim for sainthood.  Neither of these hats work for everyday life.

Here are the featured miniatures:

For the most part, they’re kind of cute.  Well, at least half of them are okay (not looking at you Ms. Ubangi, Mr. Clown, and Drunken Sot), which is quite an accomplishment for these folks.  I wish they had included all the fun things on the front cover, but nooooo, that wouldn’t have left enough room for the other projects.

Hope you enjoyed this edition of crazy craft patterns.  Honestly, this might be the craziest of the bunch, but you never know what’s coming next, thank goodness.

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2 Responses to Crazy and Not-So-Crazy Craft Patterns IX

  1. Stephanie Gazell says:

    I can’t stop laughing long enough to choose what to comment on, so I’ll just say BRAVO! Have a happy holiday weekend, gals! xoxoxox

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