Coal For You

Yes, it has finally arrived.  It is time for our annual look at the worst that Christmas has to offer.  Advertisers spend a lot of time trying to convince us that it is the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, but they should pay attention to the crap that they turn out onto the market, and quit with the jingles!  (The term jingle works especially well this time of year, doesn’t it?)  Well, at least we can spend some time laughing, so take a look, and pass it on to your family and friends so they can crack a smile and relieve a little stress, too.

This may be the worst craft fail ever:

Yes, there is nothing like underwear to butter up the man in your life.  What self-respecting male wouldn’t jump at the chance to own a pair of these?  You can tell they were really hot sellers at the local craft faire, as she seems to have a plethora of leftovers, and is having a blue light special on them for a quarter apiece.  Probably not even a bargain at that price.

This is just sad:

Well, yes, they did attempt it, and they did stick one of everything on it.  Some of it has detached from the wreath in self-defense.  Probably another angel; she took one look at the surrounding neighborhood and said, “I’m outta here!”  I am beginning to think that there ought to be a certification that you have to pass before you are allowed a subscription to any craft magazine.  Maybe that would clear up the thrift store shelves of well-meaning, hand-crafted horrors.

Not that bad has to be homemade.  Here we have a nifty ’60s kissing ball:

Hang this over a door, and guarantee no kisses for you, as everyone who comes by recoils in horror.  Well … I am probably going to have to do a little confession here, that we find these plastic gewgaws sort of amusing.  Not enough to buy them (most of the time) but enough that we often can at least spare a smile for them.  They are such a product of the times, but the ’60s do have a lot to answer for.

These don’t even have the cachet of nostalgia to improve them:

Seriously Target?  Furry letters as ornaments?  I am giving this a full on WTF?  Here is a photo of them on the tree:

Honestly, I have no idea what the designer was thinking.  What letters are you supposed to buy?  One for everyone in the family?  Just the last name?  Spell out your favorite curse word?  I give up.

I think this next item was a Target special, too:

I think that this showed up after Christmas last year.  Ugly Christmas sweater tree skirt, anyone?  I am as game as anyone for creating an ugly sweater for the fun of it, although the new fad for actually buying pre-uglied ones escapes me.  It’s no fun unless you make it yourself (No certification required for this one!), but do you have to torture your tree, too?  The pink rather clashes with the classic red and green color schemes of most folks, so I can see why this ended up an unloved cast off at the thrift store.

We like Christmas music, in just about all forms, so who says this couldn’t be good?

I might have bought it, if I had access to a record player and the record hadn’t been so scratched.  When I showed Deb this photo, she pointed out the rather tasteless album in the back.  Sigh.  Let’s just hope we have come further than that.

I truly understand the mold-blown decoration fad, but I try not to succumb to it for a couple of reasons.  I live in Colorado where 40 mile an hour winds are common.  Even the largest mold blown could end up at the end of the street with just the right conditions and there is no way to fasten them down.  They also present a HUGE storage problem, so I admire anyone willing to take on the challenge.  If you were that kind of person this one is for you!

This was just about the biggest mold-blown Santa I have ever seen.  It was over four feet tall.  It only had one small bulb in it, so it would have been a little anti-climactic lit up, but they tried.  I don’t remember if these were at the same sale [Deb here: it was] or just the next one down the road, but we hope the same crazy person came along and purchased both Santa and these:

I sort of feel the need to post a warning for these next two.  Think of them along the lines of a clown alert, only a festive scary Santa alert.

Maybe these aren’t scary, but you should probably still be warned:

Ack … a whole bag of buck-naked Santas.  Is this what happens in the sauna at a Santa convention?  Is it a bachelorette party surprise for the future Mrs. Claus?  At least they have their boots on, but it conjures visions of that jolly old elf in a raincoat on a street corner.  Oh, please, let us not go there.

OK, hold onto your fruitcake, but this is about as creepy as it comes.  We didn’t even have to say it, they figured it out on their own:

This is supposed to be a Santa suit.  Oh my gosh, how long would little Cindy Lou Who have to be in therapy if she woke up on Christmas Eve to see this creeping around the house.  The Grinch was a fairy tale compared to this.  We didn’t have the nerve to remove it from the box to see how bad the rest of it was.  We do have keen sense of self-preservation once in a while.  They didn’t even try to price this.  Personally, I think they should have paid an exorcist to take it away.

Well, that should take care of this week.  Looking through our photos, we realized we were loaded with Christmas stuff, so stay tuned for even more Holiday Horrors next week!

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