Gosh, Christmas is sneaking up on me yet again. Every year I promise myself that I will get an earlier start on: decorating, Christmas cards, gifts, baking, wrapping, and mailing. Much to my dismay, here I am at one week and counting, still having lots of all of the above to finish. Writing a post makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. No worries, though; some how, some way, it will all get done before C-Day.
This narcoleptic angel has bigger problems than sleepiness:
Wake up little Suzy, I think Santa is trying to sneak a peek up your robes! That sheepy-moose, standing behind Santa, sure looks startled by these shocking goings-on. Does Santa ever put himself on the naughty list?
This blue angel would make a better fighter jet than decoration:
She certainly has the attitude for it. I’m never sure if it’s an accident or not, but the surly expression achieved by the crafter doesn’t look remotely angelic. She looks outraged, perhaps by her butterfly wings or what I’m hoping are puffy sleeves, and not EE-cups.
Are these angels or members of a choir? I suppose that’s a minor point in the big picture:
I’m mostly wondering why someone kept them all these many years, probably around 50 by now, and in such pristine condition? Those blank, eyeless faces are depressingly inhuman and what’s the deal with wands being held by their pipe cleaner arms? I should have checked to see if the heads are those vacuum-formed hollow plastic things that were popular in the ’60s. You know, these would have been much better if they had just drawn or cut out some paper kid’s faces and glued them on.
This is the perfect angel for your all-beige Christmas:
She has a cute face, but what’s the point of a craquelure surface on a plastic decoration? It just makes her look scabrous (which has the same Latin root as scabies) since we know that she isn’t a piece of china or a painting with crackling varnish. I wish that manufacturers would just make something nice instead of putting a fancy finish on a piece of trumpery junk.
Okay, we’re moving on from angels:
This is what happens when one holiday muscles in on another holiday! Didn’t we all learn a lesson from The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is one of my favorite movies—we watch it while decorating our Christmas tree. Sorry for the blurry picture, but my poor camera wasn’t going to risk damage by focusing sharply on a Bride of Frankenstein Nutcracker. I guess that the gauzy overcoat is supposed to be a wedding dress, but that’s just a guess. Beloved Husband believes it might be a Cossack Nutcracker.
This picture more properly goes in next week’s post, but I’m claiming it:
I stole it because the back of the Bride of Frankenstein Nutcracker is visible in the back of the picture in much better focus than the previous picture, I must admit. In fact, there is a lot going on in the background–is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the upper right? I guess there isn’t anything too horrible about the crochet boot except the plastic greenery caught up in the lacing. I wonder if it’s big enough to hold your Christmas cards? Hopefully, no one ever thought to put a big candle in it—can you say, “Flame on”?
Speaking of inflammable holiday decorations:
Of course everyone decorates their Christmas whisk broom, which we urge you to keep away from an open flame. I don’t know why you wouldn’t just lay the greenery and ribbon around a candle or along your mantel. Why drag the whisk broom into it all? I can recall seeing patterns for decorating whisk brooms in vintage craft magazines–possibly because they used to be common and cheap. Plus they hang nicely on the wall, if that’s what you’re after.
We thought that this orphan salt or pepper shaker was someone’s craft project:
Sloppy painting and colors that are too similar—all the hallmarks of someone’s first attempt at greenware painting. However, take a look at this:
This is Napcoware—it was professionally produced, if you can believe it. I bet that the missing shaker just jumped off the shelf in pure despair, asking, “Why, why did they make these artistic choices? I could have been so much better!” Wonder why they kept the surviving shaker—people everywhere need targets to vent frustration on. This would at least be a challenge, and ultimately rewarding to smash.
I don’t know about you, but we think ugly Christmas sweaters are over:
Having said that, we found one that is so over the top that we had to include it. The poor reindeer obviously has either overindulged in Christmas cheer, or has a bad case of food poisoning. Finally, we should be a little concerned about his diet. I don’t care how many times you chew plastic rocking horses, they are pretty indigestible.
We know you’re busy, so we’re ending the post a little early with a good thing:
At least I think it’s a good thing. I love those vintage elves, and I have to confess to a fondness for those fake plastic mistletoe balls. This is a win-win for me, but I still didn’t drag it home. I want someone else to discover elves and mistletoe balls for themselves, and lovingly hang it every Christmas. I titled this picture, Mistletoe Elf Won’t Peek, just because of his cute little expression.
Hope you’re whittling down your Christmas lists. We will be publishing on Thursday next week, so Kathy won’t have to be fussing with the blog on Christmas Day.