How to explain all the bad Valentine’s Day presents we find abandoned at thrift stores? Well, maybe Shakespeare can sum it all up for us, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind”. Mental blindness or plain old procrastination coupled with panic probably drives 90% of these Valentine’s Day “oopsies”.
Boy, whoever gave this bear tried to cover all the bases:
Cute bear, check. Hearts, check. Plastic roses with hearts, check. Unfortunately, none of that means anything unless that base is really the lid to a big jar filled with chocolate, jewelry, or some other splurge. If the lid is really just a base, and that’s the Valentine’s Day present, well then, just don’t! Save your $$, pay for a babysitter, take me to that chick flick I really want to see, and no whining! Remember, there is an unofficial holiday (don’t click the link if you’re offended by sex jokes) exactly one month after Valentine’s Day, that will only come into play if you do good on February 14th.
What can we say about this lineup?
If they’re a present for a kid on Valentine’s Day–yay, you can get them new for cheap! If they’re for your sweetheart–fail! We can’t speak for all women, but that has never stopped us from wondering how teddy bears became the go-to present for V.D.? Honestly, I would rather have a raggedy bouquet of daisies than a stuffed bear with a heart!
But as bad as bears are, what do these next creatures have to do with love?
Crabs for Valentine’s Day would be a big no-no unless they’re also called: Blue, Stone, Rock, Alaskan King, Dungeness and also known as “dinner”.
This also brings up the Valentine’s Day dogs,
or cats, if we had a picture. These are marginally better than crabs, but again what if she isn’t a stuffed animal kind of person? You’re stuck with this goofy thing, and even worse, if you don’t say anything, guess what you’re going to get next year? OMG, it’s a lose-lose scenario unless you can calmly state your case for NO MORE STUFFED ANIMALS! Lucky is the person who likes stuffed animals; they can’t lose come Valentine’s Day.
We both think these guys are even worse than crabs, bears, or pets:
All I can think of when I see these lover-boy apes is Serial Ape-ist, which is a low-budget horror flick that the character, Penny from The Big Bang Theory, stars in. You can see this poor gorilla isn’t any more thrilled than we are to be co-opted into Valentine’s Day. I just looked at his boxers, and if they’re covered in chili peppers, shouldn’t the waistband say, “HOT THING”?
So, after all the complaining, what do we recommend as a Valentine’s Day present? Well, that’s where your knowledge of your honey comes in. People like thoughtful presents and that kind of inspiration doesn’t happen when you’re running through the gas station or Target at 5pm on February 14th. Figure out what they like and give it to them if you can–that says I Love You more than a whole shelf full of stuffed animals. Or, you can go this route:
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all–wish we could give everyone a hug. That’s a one-size fits all kind of present!