We like textiles, really, we do. We both have the linen closets, boxes, and baskets full to prove it. We carry home orphan linens of all sorts. We can’t stand to see a home-made doily languishing at a sale for a quarter. We are in a dead heat to see who is going to win the Most Fabric Ever award. Vintage fabric, especially, finds its way to our hearts and homes, BUT there is a limit. This week we present a few textile terrors.
The home knitter/crocheter is frequently responsible for some yarn snafus. I guess this scarf would be fabulous, if you were caught in an avalanche:
They could see it glowing under at least 12 feet of snow, and if you were carrying the bag at the same time, there is no way anyone could lose you. To be honest, this pair is much worse together than they would be apart, but still.
I just found this craft booklet that sort of describes the whole worst that could go wrong with a craft thing:
Well, you have to at least the guy credit; he is trying to make it all work. Someone should take that crochet hook away from her before she strikes again. I am not sure how much faith I have in the booklet, if that is what is on the cover. Frankly, I am afraid to open it. (You know we will, and it will probably be featured in a future crazy craft pattern issue.)
For this item, we really can’t blame the fabric; it’s just fine. But who decided that sewing shells to a pillow would be a good thing?
All I can say is “ouch”. Not a very relaxing afternoon nap. Even the cat wouldn’t risk this spot, and if a human laid his weary head here, he would wake up with the oddest nap lines ever seen. Try pretending you were cleaning the house and not dozing on the sofa with this around.
At least the shells were unintended torture. This pillow makes no bones about the fact that you are supposed to suffer (click on the picture to get a good look):
I kid you not, this is a pillow, and they are proud of it:
There is a serious website, and they insist this is a relaxing acupressure pillow. I am sorry, but surely no one is that nuts? I guess your basic Yogi could do it, but they walk on hot coals too. The proud recipient of this gift took one look at it and promptly sent it, and the thumbscrews, off to the thrift store.
We spotted these pillows from the entry to the store. At least it seemed that way:
Oh my, they are yellow, and if that doesn’t get you, notice the lovely gold splotches all over them.The camera was not in the mood to capture the truly blinding yellow, but it did give you a glimpse of the delightful pattern. Again, we actually like yellow, but zowee! Even as an accent, they sort of seem to warn you about men at work and potholes up ahead. They might even do a better job filling potholes, as you could really see them, even at night, and manage to avoid losing your Volkswagen Beetle in one..
Gotta admit to loving this next fashion “do”. These gloves were the “cat’s meow” in their day:
I feel classy and chic just writing about them! Must have been some outfit they set off. Oscar party worthy, we hope. Don’t you sometimes wish they could talk and tell you the real story? It might be a disappointment, but I bet, most of the time, it would be a winner.
Deb and I have both reached that “certain age” where we have no patience for silly footwear. In light of Deb’s recent foot surgery, doubly so. We think the same nut responsible for the bed of nails designed shoes shaped like this:
They don’t even have the excuse of being pretty. To actually get your foot to fit in them, you are going to have to buy 3 sizes too big, and there is no woman on the face of this planet who EVER says, “gee, my feet look small, think I will go find some clown shoes.” OK, I may have to retract that, because the woman in this next portrait might:
The quote claims that she wore the smiling wax lips during her worst moods so her friends wouldn’t have to suffer too. I am almost certain she is fooling herself, as we suffered horrifically in response to this picture. I am rather disturbed just seeing it again. As Deb says, “what is once seen, can not be unseen.” You said it, sister.
We found this hat stand a valiant effort, but it still misses:
I am hoping that any hat that has the misfortune to perch here has a really long veil, or maybe a paper bag would be a good solution. I think three fewer items from the stash bag, and it could have been a winner.
Alrighty, now for a huge confession. We found something made out of polyester double knit that actually is attractive and works. It’s not even a rag, or stuffing, or even a sling shot (OK, that last one is a stretch! Pun intended) Check out this rag rug:
Even rather hideous double knit at that, and yet the whole is rather pretty. It actually felt soft enough, and you know it would wear like iron. That stuff never wears out … ever! Future archaeologists will find it in piles in the remnants of ’60s closets and have really weird ideas of our fashion sense for millennia to come.
Be sure and tune in next week, as we will be celebrating our fourth anniversary of flooding your computer screen with the best and worst of the thrift stores. That always means a giveaway too, so make sure to stop by, and tell all your friends too!