Yay, it’s the most wonderful time of the year–we get to show you all the Christmas horrors we’ve been collecting over the year. We want to send a special thank you out to Matty for our Christmas Ugly Bunny; he renamed the improved bunny, “Ruffles the Rejected Elf”.
The estate sale where Kathy found all the doll patterns is where I found a stack of these craft books:
I’m only going to do projects from Volume 1, because there is enough badness to last years in the pile I bought, bwa-ha-ha! Don’t be fooled by the Victorian cover art; this baby is full of 70’s craft projects, so break out the glitter and Elmer’s glue.
The very first page has this project:
I know what you’re thinking–this isn’t so bad, it’s small and I can tuck it into a corner. Think again; the plaster base was molded in a pint-sized cottage cheese container. Then you “decorate” the branches with Styrofoam balls and doves; I’m sure there is glitter involved somewhere too.
Next up is an “impressive but inexpensive gift”:
Our old friend the plastic egg carton is used here, as well as her first cousin, the plastic meat tray. Acorn caps decorate the border. I might be rendered speechless if this were given to me–oh dear, that probably will be an incentive for my friends and loved ones.
I thought eggs were a symbol of Easter; evidently I’m wrong:
We are assured that these are stronger than they look, and even have proven “unbreakable”. Now how do we get rid of them guilt-free? Again, we are told that these will make cherished gifts–please, God, no!
This felt switch plate cover has a big problem:
Miss Angel will look good for about one hot minute after installation. She will be a bit tarnished after the first little hand comes into contact with the switch. I can’t imagine what the felt will look like after a week–you know the kids will be at the switch day and night.
Some of these projects practically write themselves:
These ornaments are literally the tops from household containers. You are encouraged to root around in trash cans to come up with enough tops–the laundromat was mentioned as a great place to snatch plastic lids from the garbage cans. It’s probably a good thing that the pictures are in black and white; I don’t know if my nerves could take all the glitter, tinsel, trim, and gold paint necessary to transform a plastic cap into a Christmas ornament.
I know that lots of people like these trees:
My problem with these projects are the lazy makers that use tons of nasty glue to secure their gorgeous costume jewelry to the backing, thereby ruining the jewelry for its intended use. Instead, you COULD use a piece of fabric as the backing and pin or sew your brooch to the fabric. That way, when you are tired of your jewelry tree, the next owner (me for instance) who likes a pin in your tree, doesn’t waste days trying to remove it from the La Brea Tar Pit of glue securing it to the backing.
Oh the memories this next craft project will evoke:
I’m talking about the pill bottle ornaments of course. Can you imagine the conversation while admiring your Christmas tree? Did we make this one from your Viagra pill bottle or my Xanax prescription? It will be hard to tell after you melt the container filled with eye shadow, glitter, metallic thread, and bits of wire.
This last craft item is really a party game:
The small containers hanging from the tree are film containers, remember them? Quite a while ago they were made aluminum with screw tops, but the plastic ones will work too. You fill the containers with puzzles, questions, or small items and let the guests pick one–we’re assured that hilarity ensues. I guess the surprises could be the questions: “Why don’t you pick up after your dog?”, “Are you ever going rake your leaves?”, or “Why don’t you sleep with your own wife?” are just a few that come to mind.
Well, that’s enough of that. Be very happy that I ran out of steam before scanning Ham Cans Shape Up for Christmas or Tape Core Ornaments. Consider it an early Christmas present from The Second Hand Roses.
We wish all of you a holiday season full of joy, laughter, and as much family togetherness as you can stand. We’ll be back next week with our regular posts.